Saturday, November 24, 2007

It's about time I start a blog.

Alright. Here's the deal. I can be writing a paper right now. But why would I do that, you ask? Because I have two due Tuesday. Why would I hustle to get them done with plenty of time to spare, you ask? I don't know either. Right now I'm going to listen to some Crash Test Dummies and Mute Math and ... finally get around to creating a blog!
Why have I not done this sooner? I don't know either. I used to write blogs off and on on another site. I would write pages full of free-flowing thought. One day back in what must have been 2004 I asked a friend why she would never leave a comment on one of my blogs. She would say she didn't read it. Why didn't she read it? "If I wanted to read something like that I might as well read the bible, and you know that's not my idea of fun." I gradually lost interest in blogs.
But right now I have a spark of interest. You curious as to why? Don't ask me why or you'll get the same response. I don't know either. Whoops. That's a freebie.
It may seem like it; it could seem like I blow a lot of hot air. It looks like I do a lot of talking, and it looks like I'm really excited about what I talk about and it may sound like I'm 'really going to do it this time', but I never end up doing whatever it is that excites me so. I've learned a good deal during this semester. A really good deal. The biggie is I've learned that I'm not impulsive. Thank God I'm not impulsive. Thank God that He gave me the maturity to really think through things before I jump. I say this because my decision to not make whatever move I'm itching to make at whatever time is at times the last thing I want. I remember a day back in August of 2004 when the itching first began. I was under a bridge downtown [really it was just outside of town, but then the reference to the RedHotChiliPeppers wouldn't have been as smooth] and I was in some big thought. I was ready to drop out of NSU right then and there and make some calls and begin my move to Joplin, a place I like filled with people I love. But the moment I made the decision, something happened: 'Remember Abraham and Isaac and how he was commanded to give up what he loved. You love your plans too much. Being Lord means I make the calls. Follow. Right now that means stay. Now you see that you are willing to give up whatever it is asked of you. Sometime you will leave. Now you will stay.' Talk about mixed emotions!
Here's another emotional time: The beginning of my senior year at the university I was a whining crab-apple. I hated my job placement, my town placement, and whatever other placement I could complain about. I was brushing my teeth with a frown. Then, again out of the blue, "'Do everything without complaining or arguing'", and "remember Jeremiah, and what ended up coming of situations that I know he hated. He felt abandoned, but he wasn't and great things came from those times. Stay put and ride it out. I am here." More mixed emotions.
I am still so eager to leave. Thank God I did not jump ship on the most recent opportunity. The calls and promptings - not to mention the offers to take me on a tour of the town to pick out an apartment - and everything else the kind potential employers did to ensure my taking the job offer being a good decision didn't help. God said wait. ...I am becoming used to the submissive sigh as a response. Loneliness isn't fun. Thank God it only comes in waves and isn't a constant. [And a funny thing I've learned about loneliness is that it is more than 50% a thing of the mind, influenced either way by personal cognitive processes. Thank God I'm learning I have more control of these emotions.]
And why not? Here's another story: My time spend in Australia and New Zealand in 2004 [Goodness, 2004 seems to be the year of occurrences!] was a time of more mixed feelings; a time of great elation because of the beauty and amazement of the ocean and mountains and Southern sky and animals and culture and things in between, but also a time of great loneliness - I remember feeling so alone amongst our group of 12 and surrounding others. One of the last nights in New Zealand near the date of our departure I hit bottom and found myself able to rest on the Foundation. That is the night I saw that I can be alone if that is where YHWH wants me at the time because El Shaddai is all I need if El Shaddai is all I have. I am able to do anything, go anywhere, be around anyone, whether that means be challenged or comfortable, change nations or stay put, be within reach of people with whom I share deep love or be totally alone or just feeling alone. I can persevere. Thank God I can persevere. It is not one of my natural qualities. (I just hope that doesn't mean this will be my last town to call home...)
But He has come through and shown Himself, showing that my current situation is not one gone to waste. Sometimes I should sit back and allow my jaw to drop when I acknowledge what has come as a result of my act of obedience. For a reason that I cannot understand, He has chosen sinful and selfish me to show people, or remind people, that they are worth loving and are loved, period. Abba knows what is best for me. And even though my two best friends are 200 hundred miles away and 1,000 miles away I still have great people. Thank you for being parts of my life.
It's funny how some of the most apparently bad situations turn out to be situations where God can be best glorified once the veil of selfishness is torn.